DEAR ABBY: My niece’s mother-in-law of 32 years, “Helen,” died seven months in the past. I've been quietly seeing her widowed husband for about three months now.
For a very long time, “Wayne” and I knew one another solely casually. After Helen’s loss of life, my niece, her husband and their youngsters went on trip as a result of Helen’s sickness had been a protracted, drawn-out ordeal. I used to be tasked with giving Wayne a nightly name to verify on him, which I did. We realized we had so much in frequent and, as they are saying, the remaining is historical past.
The issue is telling his youngsters and grandchildren. He and Helen have been married 59 years however didn’t have a contented marriage for the final 23. Ought to we inform them or proceed conserving it a secret?
UNEXPECTED LOVE IN THE EAST
DEAR UNEXPECTED: Though you haven't any motive to be sneaking round, for my part you must keep quiet for one more few months — till it has been a yr since Helen’s passing. At that time, Wayne ought to inform the niece and different relations that he thinks you've got so much in frequent and you'll see one another.
In an ideal world, everybody could be glad that the 2 of you're discovering happiness after a lot disappointment.
DEAR ABBY: I've a colleague who has change into a tremendous buddy over the previous few years. We plan dinner dates or work conferences periodically, and we additionally attempt to e-book spa appointments collectively when we have now trip time.
“Sandy” is all the pieces an individual would need in a buddy. Nonetheless, once we exit to eat, she normally insists on paying for my meal. She has additionally pay as you go a few of my spa appointments.
When this sample first began, I used to be somewhat delay, however I appreciated her generosity — perhaps somewhat selfishly — as a result of it saved me cash. However now I really feel consistently indebted to her as a result of I can by no means appear to return the favor.
After I insist on paying for myself, we argue and bicker. Sandy says she desires to indicate her appreciation for my partnership at work. She additionally explains that I've youngsters (who're assumedly costly) whereas she is childless. She justifies it by rationalizing that her husband makes a powerful wage. They're comfy, however not extravagantly rich.
These days, I've come to resent the state of affairs as a result of I don’t wish to really feel like a charity case. Not solely am I greater than capable of pay for myself, I additionally don’t wish to really feel restricted when ordering meals. Understanding she’s going to foot the invoice makes me reluctant to order the meals or beverage of my selecting.
How do I strategy this with out tarnishing our skilled work relationship and the friendship we have now constructed?
Is that this the altruism of a selfless particular person and my ego getting in the best way? Or is there a deeper motive I haven’t thought of?
TREATED TOO WELL
DEAR TREATED: I'm going to imagine that you've already communicated to Sandy that this dynamic makes you uncomfortable, and why. In case you haven’t, do it now.
She will be the soul of generosity, however some folks use cash as a method to regulate or dominate others. Not understanding Sandy, I can’t guess what motivates her, however clearly the 2 of you must be capable of have a mature dialog with out anybody changing into defensive.
Pricey Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, often known as Jeanne Phillips, and was based by her mom, Pauline Phillips. Contact Pricey Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Field 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.