DEAR MISS MANNERS: My household association has been to go to a relative’s dwelling virtually each Thanksgiving and Christmas over the previous 10 years or extra.
The hostess by no means makes an attempt to accommodate my gluten and lactose intolerances, which she is conscious of. She serves largely wheat- and dairy-based objects for appetizers and entrees — a number of Italian meals, breads, pasta dishes with cheese, and so forth. — so I’m unnoticed.
I’ve needed to carry my very own dinner, in addition to a dessert, and have even introduced tortilla chips or rice crackers in order that I may safely take part on the hors d’oeuvres. However the hostess by no means appears comfortable about me bringing issues.
On the identical time, I’m anticipated to contribute a aspect dish to share with the visitors, in addition to assist out within the kitchen whereas this meals I can't eat is being plated and cleaned up.
There are often not more than 12 individuals, and infrequently fewer. It hurts my emotions that she has by no means tried, and even provided, to accommodate me at these household dinners I’m anticipated to be part of.
Thanksgiving turkey is just protected for me if no gravy is poured on earlier than I take mine. She’s by no means volunteered any information on elements or the menu — whether or not there’s flour or butter in gravies or sides, for example.
When I've requested in regards to the Christmas entree prematurely, the hostess states that there will probably be “loads of antipasto and salad for you.” I get the vibe that I’m being a hassle.
So I carry my very own meal in a takeout container, feeling like I’m sneaking it in, as she expects me to be glad with solely salad. The hostess units her desk like a magazine shoot, with the best linens, crystal and silverware. However after I warmth my meals up within the microwave, I often need to eat proper out of that takeout container on her completely set vacation desk!
Solely prior to now few years has she began inserting my microwaved meals on a dinner plate within the kitchen and serving me like all the opposite visitors. However nonetheless, all of it feels very chilly and insensitive. I really feel harm and unnoticed, and I’ve dreaded these vacation meals.
Am I anticipating an excessive amount of to be provided one thing in addition to some salami, celery, carrots, olives and a tossed salad whereas everybody else is consuming the principle dish of do-it-yourself lasagna or baked ziti?
I believe it’s impolite to count on individuals with legit dietary restrictions (not a passing fad weight loss program) to make a meal out of some bites of chilly appetizers whereas watching everybody else get pleasure from a scrumptious scorching meal.
What do you suppose?
GENTLE READER: That it's best to make different plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Miss Manners understands that folks need conventional dishes for the vacations. She sympathizes with hosts who're anticipated to provide particular person menus for quite a lot of wants or calls for. She acknowledges the annoyance of getting others taking on the kitchen with their choices, altering a well-planned menu.
However the callousness of refusing to accommodate a relative — and one who has made efforts to keep away from being an annoyance — is beautiful. Do the needs of celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas imply nothing to those individuals?
Please ship your inquiries to Miss Manners at her web site, www.missmanners.com; to her electronic mail, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or via postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas Metropolis, MO 64106.