Expensive Amy: I not too long ago noticed an outdated pal I had not seen in 25 years.
Whereas we had been catching up and speaking about our youngsters, he confirmed me a photograph of his 19-year-old daughter, whom I had by no means met. I didn't ask to see a photograph.
If she had been a small little one or child, I might have responded with how cute she was, however I don't in any other case really feel snug commenting on an individual’s appears.
I didn't see that she bore any resemblance to him, so I didn’t say something alongside these traces.
It might have been odd to reply that she appeared sensible or gifted.
What's an appropriate response to being proven an unsolicited picture of somebody?
I might have been completely satisfied to supply a bit white lie if I had one within the holster, however I had nothing.
Awkward
Expensive Awkward: Your tone implies that your outdated pal was by some means rudely placing you on the spot in displaying you a photograph of his daughter.
You may simply dodge commenting on an individual’s appears by asking: “Now, the place was this taken?” “What's she as much as?” and so on. and so on.
Or you need to use the picture to pivot again to the 2 of you: “Wow, 19 years outdated. The place has the time gone?”
Expensive Amy: Our teenage daughter, who has put us via the wringer in some ways, was not too long ago caught stealing cash. She took $20 from Dad’s pockets and $5 from mine.
We confronted her lovingly, set limits, gave penalties, and dried her tears with hugs and plenty of love.
That night time, I wrote her a card about how a lot I really like her and caught it underneath her door as a result of she appeared down. I felt actually nice about how we dealt with the disaster! Besides she went again into my purse the subsequent day and stole all the remainder of my cash.
Now I discover I can’t even take a look at her. I really feel so betrayed. How do you go ahead when you may’t belief your child?
She is on antidepressants and underneath the care of a psychiatrist. She was in remedy however not desires to go.
She has been caught slicing herself, smoking pot, vaping, shoplifting, sexting, climbing out her second-story window, and tattooing herself.
Up till now, I believed it was simply an extra of teenage unhealthy judgment — the sort you’ll snort about some day. However now I’m beginning to really feel used. Actually, stealing from us proper after the confrontation actually pushed me over the sting. She additionally admitted it, each occasions.
We’re planning on locking our wallets up any longer, by the way in which. Sigh.
Any recommendation?
Anxious Dad and mom
Expensive Anxious: I recommend that you just toughen your spines whilst you additionally toughen the way in which you're keen on your daughter.
A few of her habits falls into the “self-harm” class, and also you mother and father ought to search the recommendation of her therapist and psychiatrist to find out whether or not she may want intensive, probably residential therapy. A neuropsychological analysis may be useful.
You also needs to discover an skilled household methods therapist for yourselves.
Your daughter’s habits and defiance may be her manner of fairly actually crying out for assist, so fairly than hugging it out after which feeling personally betrayed when she instantly defies you, you need to very firmly and lovingly heed the alarm.
You don’t be aware what penalties you're leveling in response to her habits, however one consequence needs to be that she should attend her remedy periods, no matter whether or not she desires to. She can't be in control of herself proper now, and so you have to step up and be in control of her.
You don’t say what she is doing with the cash she has been stealing, however she may very well be abusing medication or alcohol.
She may be responding or reacting to a trauma in her personal life that you haven't any information of.
My general level is that in my view this isn't regular teenage tomfoolery that you'll snort about later. At this level you're combating to protect her future.
Don’t battle together with her — battle for her.
Expensive Amy: A query from “Loving, however Unhappy Daughter” bothered me.
She was upset as a result of her mom (her father’s first spouse) was not talked about in her father’s obituary.
An ex-spouse is not a member of the household. They shouldn’t make it into the obit!
I’m an Ex
Expensive Ex: “Unhappy Daughter” objected to the truth that by omitting any point out of her father’s first marriage, the obit implied she was her stepmother’s daughter.
You may e mail Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or ship a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Field 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You too can comply with her on Twitter @askingamy or Fb.